I saw someone do one of these for the NFL Draft over at Mocking the draft, so I thought it would be fun to do one for the NBA draft.
1. Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron James, SF, Miami Heat
The Cavs try to accelerate their post-Lebron rebuild by redrafting LeBron James.
2. Minnesota Timberwolves: Kyrie Irving, PG, Duke
Khan can't resist another PG!
3. Utah Jazz: Jimmer Fredette, SG/PG, BYU
They don't want to risk missing out on him at 12. Also by drafting him at #3 they ensure he can get home and to sleep before his bedtime. (BREAKING NEWS: Starbucks announces Jimmer Fredette as its new spokesperson!)
4. Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron James, SF, Miami Heat
Continuing their post-Lebron rebuild, the Cavs attempt to keep LBJ happy by giving him Lebron James.
5. Toronto Raptors: Jan Vesely, SF, Czech Republic
Plays no defense? Check. From a foreign county? Check. Will be out of the NBA in five years? Check. Perfect Raptors pick!
6. Washington Wizards: Enes Kanter, PF/C, Kentucky/Turkey
On most teams, not playing for two years is a concern because they might worry that he's out of NBA shape. Thankfully he's now on the Wizards, where nobody other than John Wall is in NBA shape.
7. Sacramento Kings: The Rally Monkey
Time to start getting ready for the move to Anaheim!
8. Detroit Pistons: Anybody unemployed in Detroit
The Pistons do their part and employ one more person in Detroit
9. Charlotte Bobcats: Michael Jordan, SG, UNC
NOTE: The Bucks forfeit their pick. It's not like if they draft anyone good they're going to win anything, so they decide not to draft anyone.
11. Golden State Warriors: Kyrie Irving
Thus making Monte Ellis the starting SF.
12. Utah Jazz: Jackson Emery, SG, BYU
13. Phoenix Suns: Derrick Williams, SF, Arizona
First of all, they rumoredly want to trade up for him. But also, now they don't need to help him pay any moving costs.
14. Houston Rockets: A knee
To be given to Yao Ming
15. Indiana Pacers: Ben Hansbrough, F, ND
Taking the slow, unathletic white guy worked once! It has to work again with his even less skilled brother!
16. Philadelphia 76ers: Derrick Favors, PF, Georgia Tech
76ers take a mulligan on last year's draft
17. New York Knicks: Chris Paul, PG, New Orleanes Hornets
Just a way for Spike Lee to say, "PLEASE!!!!!". Sadly for Chris Paul, now that he's a New York Knick draft pick, he's destined to suck.
18. Washington Wizards: Bismack Biyombo, PF, Congo/Spain
He plays defense, making him unlike every other player on the Wizards roster.
19. Charlotte Bobcats: Michael Jordan, SG, UNC
Michael Jordan trys a new tactic to try to rebuild the Bobcats: get two Michael Jordans on the same team! Sadly it won't work, because the one picked at #9 already decided to leave basketball to play Little League baseball. Too bad...
20. Minnesota Timberwolves: Kemba Walker, PG, UConn
Khan can't resist another PG. (Khan=I got a fever, and the only prescription is MORE POINT GUARDS!)
21. Portland Trail Blazers: Kevin Durant, SF, Oklahoma City
Poor Portland. First they whiff on MJ, then they whiff on Durant. All I know is that I want to be picking after Portland! (Unless you're the Bobcats and you're planning on drafting Adam Morrison).
22. Denver Nuggets: Kawhi Leonard, SF/PF, SDSU
Just to spite Carmelo, the Nuggets get a player who plays defense.
23. Houston Rockets: A knee
Wow! Great draft for the Rockets! They were able to get two knees for Yao Ming!
24. Oklahoma City Thunder: A family therapist
To help work out the problems between Russel Westbrook and Kevin Durant. Learning the lesson "Sharing is Caring" is a rather important one.
25. Boston Celtics: Jonas Valanciunas, C, Lituania
The Celtics draft him on the off chance that he's Kendric Perkins in disguise.
26. Dallas Mavericks: Mark Cuban, C
Now that they have a ring, Mark Cuban finally is able to do what he always wanted to do. (And now he'll see no need to bring back Tyson Chandler!)
27. New Jersey Nets: Chris Singleton, SF, Florida State
I hope he can learn Russian quickly....
28. Chicago Bulls: Gary Flowers, SF, Southern Mississippi
A perfect fit alongside Rose
29. San Antonio Spurs: A time machine
It's really their only hope
30.Julyan Stone, SG, MSU
Roses, flowers, stones....what a beautiful garden they're building in Chicago! It's great they they now have a pretty place to go when they're run out of the playoffs!