clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Ridiculous Upside Group Forming To Buy Bakersfield Jam

New, 54 comments

Ladies and Gentleman, have no fear, I think I figured out what we're going to need to do to save the D-League.  We're going to have to buy the Bakersfield Jam.  I know it sounds crazy, but it just might work.

Stan Ellis, former owner, said they shut it down because it wasn't good business sense.  I figure, as long as we don't build $2 million practice facilities, we should be fine.  We might have to skimp a bit in the beginning, but we can make it successful, I kind you not.

I was texting with my favorite D-League coaches last night, "The" Deane "Of Mean" Martin and Joel "The Vanilla Gorilla" Abelson, when a great idea came about, stemming off of Rumble's comment yesterday that we should have our friend Brandt Andersen buy the Jam.  We figured, hey, why don't we buy the Bakersfield Jam!?

So that's the plan.  We're buying it.  We're still looking for more investors (hit me on my pager, Brandt), but I think we're on the right track.  

So far, and I haven't got this approved by the other two majority owners, but I think right now we're going to name the team the Rock And Joel Express, playing off of our co-head coaches, Martin and Abelson (apparently Deane's been lifting).  We will have a write-in ballot if needed however, as I know some of you love write-in ballots.

UPDATE: This has received more interest than I had assumed it would, and therefore, I've been scouring the interwebs and having email conversations about how exactly to make this happen.  

Our best lead is buying the LA D-Fenders (item 4 here) and going to the hybrid format (Read the comments).  While I'm not that big of a fan of this model as we may lose Deane and Joel's capital if LA doesn't pick them as co-coaches, this might be, for RU, the best idea.  In my emails with a prominent league GM, it's been stated that we could probably break even, or at worse, only lose $200,000.

If it's true LA needs to move, we've got them in a corner, right where we want them.  They can still travel to see their players, and we would certainly benefit if Sun Yue was assigned to us.  I don't really see how this is a bad investment, as Sun Yue has to generate Trillions of dollars on futurecast views alone.  The D-League loves him, and therefore, would love us.

This is no longer a May Fools Joke.  Let's freakin do this! Yes! We! Can!

We need just one thing from you.

Money.  I can run the team and deal with all that PR mess and everything, so we shouldn't need any other employees, and I'm willing to work for free in hopes of someday earning a job.  As Joel says "Guys like us gotta pay our dues."  I'm not sure how Joel and I are considered the same type of guy, but we're both awesome, so that counts for something.

However, we will need to pay Dan Reed off so that he lets me into the D-League.  So far, I don't have an exact amount, but when I asked somebody close to the Bakersfield situation, they replied via text "Lot a money cuz."

Why would you donate your hard money to us?  Because this is a chance to change things.

I already have Mr. Pappagiorgio designing our uniforms, and we're not taking no for an answer from anybody that tells us our uniforms are "too awesome" or "freakin' sweet" or "killer, dude".  Our jerseys will be the coolest in the D-League, and nobody's going to stop us.  Dee-Jay will then work on making them into duct tape jerseys to save on costs.

We will bring Jon L in as our stat guy, as he loves him some statistics.  Did you know Kentrell Gransberry has 21.96% body fat, DeMarcus Nelson has a 6'10 3/7" wingspan, and 14ers third string center Jamar Brown led the league in fouls per 36 minutes?  He did.  He'll be able to tell us exactly we need in extremely long paragraphs.  We'll be like the Rockets with all of our statistical breakdowns!

As far as our logo, I have IcemanCometh coming up with this as we speak.  If you didn't know, he's the best photoshoppist we have that comments here regularly.  He also nearly nailed the Maine Red Claws logo almost a month before it was released, so he has a good eye for logos. (Scroll down and read the third from bottom comment... It makes me chortle)

TorosGirl will be on staff to make sure we keep an acceptable level of dreamy on the team.  We really want to put the "Dreamy" in "Dream(y) Team".  She obviously knows about all things dreamy, judging from her lady-crush on Quin Snyder.

Rumble will be on staff as our food and beverage consultant, as well as Personal Assistant to VIP's.  He's taken care of such luminaries as Josh McRoberts and Nate Jawai, so this won't be new to him.  He was also lead consultant on this video, so I know he knows his beverages.

Chad Andrus and Vance Palm will be in charge of play-by-play.

Last, but not least, I'm leaving it to JRose to find us a dance team, and then captain it.  He usually tends to go for little people, but as soon as I let him know that he's stupid for liking Ben Gordon and should instead join us, he was interested.  

UPDATE: First, he sent me this picture, letting me know he couldn't find anyone.  He got discouraged, chubby, and went bowling. Then he put on his moms sunglasses, but that only brought us an Iowa Energy cheerleader.  Next, he decided a pair of velour pants might net us some hotties.  Last, he found all five of the original Jam cheerleaders, on the streets with no place to go.  Apparently they'll dance for us.

I believe that rounds out our staff.  Dan, keep me updated on our application process.

Everyone else, please send check or money order here to save the D-League and enjoy lots of fun with us.