Dear Mr. Simmons,
Long time no talk. You probably don't even remember who I am. Here's a refresher - Remember when you were in Bismarck filming the Rod Benson E:60 story and I was at the same bar? I said "Hey, it's the Sports Guy! Mr. Bill Simmons in Bismarck, North Dakota!" and you looked at me with your "why the hell am I in North Dakota and who is this guy" grin, but didn't say anything back. Yep, that was me. Anyway, that's behind us now. I still feel a bit hurt by your bigtimeness, but whatevz.
Anyway, here's what I want to propose: What do you think of helping us out by buying the D-League's Bakersfield Jam? You're obviously not a candidate for the Timberwolves, even though you announced your candidacy via Twitter, as they've already offered the job to David Kahn. Plus, the Canis Hoopus Crew gets my vote for that position if Kahn decides to stay in Portland to try and revive his hopes of bringing a baseball team into the booming market. With the Jam, though, you could be the owner, stay out on the left coast along with proving yourself as a good hire in the NBA (apparently this is Brandt Andersen's goal..) You have great ideas, as described recently on your Twitter, but I think they're a little more D-League oriented, a little more gimmicky, if you will.
The reason they'll work in the D-League is that they're great ideas, but as you've said, the NBA could also be an acronym for the "No Balls Association." They've changed this a bit on the part of the trade front (but not enough), but obviously they're still a bit behind in the front office, save for a few hallowed franchises (not the Timberwolves). Unless you somehow buy Glen Taylor out, he's not going to let you implement any great ideas.
The D-League, however, would love the extra publicity. If you haven't noticed, their big marketing ploy this season was "Hey! Guess what! Sun Yue is on futurecast tonight!" They loved Sun Yue, hyping so much that Ryan Blake (Marty Blake's less-awesome son, for those unaware) was quoted as saying this on some random show on NBA TV: "Listen, 6'9" point guard, 2 guard. Listen. LEFT HAND. He, he needs, he needs, he NEEDS to play in America." I'm sure your rants about making your new team lead off PTI will be better marketing than this.
What I'm saying, Mr. Simmons, is that the D-League needs you. The NBA needs you as well, but the D-League needs you more. It'd bring you the attention you crave, the D-League the attention it craves, and in the meantime, you'll be helping American basketball. Rather than kids going overseas, you can lure them to sunny California, where Bill Simmons is the owner, the president, and hell, you can be the coach. Plus, you can make Bakersfield a better team than the Clippers. How embarassing would that be for them? That'd certainly make them repent for making you feel so crappy about buying season tickets. In closing: Yes! We! Can! Let's make this happen.
Ridiculous Scott Schroeder
P.S. Enclosed you will find a thorough breakdown of a few of your ideas and how they will help everyone involved.
First, you wouldn't have to rebuild - you could start from scratch. That said, Bakersfield does have some assets - Trey Johnson (couple call-up's to Cleveland this season), Derrick Byars (Former SEC Player of the Year), Mateen Cleaves (no explanation needed) and Justin Reed (Had a brief run with the TWolves, among other teams, a few years ago). Tell Rod Benson to demand that he's assigned to Bakersfield or he's going to Europe next season, and boom, you've got a team. You also have a great mascot and a dance team, if you so choose to bring them back.
Next, on Twitter you said "First big Minny idea: If we get eliminated from playoffs, tix rest of the way are half-price and season ticketholders get half-price refunds." Well, I don't think Papa Glen would be down with this, as this is a pretty big risk to take with a Kevin McHale coached team that finished with 24 wins this seasons and probably won't be remarkably better, despite a solid draft, as Kevin Love is due for an early-season season-ending injury (that's a Wheel of Fortune Before & After right there.) In the D-League, however, this is doable, and with a lot smaller consequences. Plus, since you'll be the owner, you don't have to worry about this.
Your "4th big Minny idea: Any T-Wolves fan can trade in a jersey of a player no longer on the team and get 40% off their purchase of a new one" will be wonderful. I have plenty of friends in Bakersfield that are still wearing their authentic Gerry McNamara and Yuta Tabuse jerseys around, embarassed that they don't have a Mateen Cleaves jersey. I'm sure they'd love this opportunity.